As I sit here and try and decide what to write first,
There's an overwhelming desire to be melodramatic. To come up with some short,
punctual, poignant words that will sum up and dramatise my current mental
state. But there are no words for it. Trust me I've tried. There are none. No
words can ever be sufficiently self obsessed and clichéd to fully portray the
level to which I loath my own being. I hate myself.
"But why?" I hear you cry. "What could
possibly be so terrible in your life
that you could truly think that little of yourself?". Well that's a good
question. Why when there's poverty, famine, pestilence, murder and worse do I
think I have the right to be
miserable? To be honest I don't. I'm sat here writing this on a £700 laptop,
which to some is more money than they could ever imagine owning. But that doesn't stop
me from feeling like this, If anything it just adds wood to a stove that's
already burning strongly. A fire of guilt and misery.
Sufficiently melodramatic? I think so... But at the end of
the day what does it matter? I am just one person of seven million on this
earth, I am neither important nor significant. Which brings me on to Twitter,
where the hipsters of the earth congregate to broadcast their every thought, as
if it were so valuable it would be a crime if it were lost. I do not do Twitter. Micro-blogging is not for
me. I am properly self obsessed. I
blog for real.
No one reads it of course, because like the other
6,999,999,999 humans on this earth (give or take a few) I am simply a person. Nothing
exemplary, nothing unique, nothing special. Many world religions of course
would disagree with this, They'd say that we are each special and we're all
here for a reason, maybe they'd even go as far to assert that there is a god
who loves us uniquely. Maybe there
is... More likely not. I can fully entertain the idea that there may be a
higher being, something on a scale so massive that we couldn't possibly
comprehend it. In the same way that a bacteria couldn't comprehend a human, or
understand why the Dettol that was being sprayed on it was so damn 99.99%
effective at killing it. You see I don't believe in a god who has direct
meaningful interaction with us. If there is a god in my opinion, there's no
point praying, because he can't hear you.
We know however that humans are hard wired to accept the
existence of a god. An omnipotent being who has influence over our lives.
Someone powerful who allows us to look to the future with optimism and faith
that no matter what, things will work out for the best. It's a great
evolutionary tool for sentient beings when you think about it, you program a
creature which has the ability to hate itself to be able to have an inner
optimism. Ironic, but useful. So it seems a pretty negative step then to reject
the existence of a god. Surely removing this staple of inner strength would
leave one open to all manner of ultimately truthful conclusions. These being
that the life of the individual was ultimately pointless and would serve no
other purpose other than to pass on their DNA, providing they were able to
reach an age where they were able to reproduce and didn't die or kill
themselves along the way. But of course today we deny Evolution. We aid the
sick and the lame, and who's to say whether that is right or wrong? Ultimately
all you're doing is denying death to those who deserve it and that's just not
fair. Death is not a bad thing. I could go on forever as to why, but ultimately
it removes unwanted genetic code from the gene pool , faulty DNA goes and
successful DNA can be passed on. That's just evolution, nature, but we deny
some the chance to do the one good thing they could do for the human race. The
right to die.
It's a pretty sombre thought, but then ultimately the entire
universe is a chaotic destructive place. Nature is a destructive and careless
entity, which is hardly in-keeping with our pre-programmed desire to believe
that we are special and purposeful. We are little boxes of chemicals,
programmed to fuck and to kill to survive, and yet here we live. Neutered in a
society where it's legal to kill your unborn baby, but not your suffering loved
one. So that's religion, or to be more precise my lack of it. "God"
plays no part in my life, and neither am I a member of a cult like organisation
that provides support and unconditional love to all it's members. I'm one of
the faulty ones, the ones who let their logic override their instincts.
Another interesting human condition is that of friendship,
or to be more general, the ability to be social. It's another one of those
basic human evolutionary tactics that's there to help us survive. As sentient
beings it is advantageous for us to live in groups, the list of reasons why is
near endless, but it boils down to sex, food and support. Now as a prepubescent
human being I should have mastered my social skills in order to allow me to
integrate tightly with my surrounding humans for the above reasons. The
consequences for not doing so would be isolation from the group and the lone
hunter has no one to watch his back. Now I'd not describe myself as completely
socially inept, just socially awkward. I get on with some better than others as
is natural, but the proportion is not in a good direction. I find conversation
with those I have little in common with very difficult, my default response is
to be quiet and that compounds the difficulty of making progressive
conversation. I end up being the one sat in the corner, on their own and
isolated. A lone hunter who evolution would decide, shouldn't survive.
Moving on... Intelligence is a funny old thing. "Ignorance is Bliss" what an incredibly observant quote that is. I see
that there are two ways to decompose intelligence, the advantages and the
disadvantages. As a person with a persuasion towards the negative, I'll focus
there, sue me. On the plus side, intelligence
can to an extent allow us to overcome obstacles and survive in situations where
we may otherwise not. But notice something, we are talking about survival, and
survival normally would imply a relationship between a predator and its prey. Regardless
of which we are, to have intelligence alone is never enough, to win the battle
the victor would need a balance of strength, stamina, speed and brain power. To
have too much of one and too little of another would ultimately render the
contest over. The poorly balanced would lose and either starve or be eaten. I
find it funny that the brain's balance of intelligence is so closely linked
with other crucial capabilities such as social skills. Aspergers it would seem,
is the ultimate proof of a god. Or at least that Evolution has a sense of humour.
I would say that I have an average to above average
intelligence, but I am far from "clever". People often perceive me as
someone with a particular aptitude for intelligent thought, but I say they're
wrong. They misinterpret my relative well spoken-ness (did that on purpose) and
my preference for extended vocabulary for intelligence when it's just exactly
what it says on the tin. I am well spoken, and I like long words. Why? because
they make me sound clever. And I used to want people to think I was clever,
even though I wasn't. Why? Maybe it'll keep me alive 5 minutes longer.
